Category Archives: Poetry

It seems like the dark door of the past is going to reopen. 

People say history repeats itself.

Yet why do I seem to be the only one suffering like hell?

This feeling is breaking me again. 

Am I so worthless that my life is nothing but a mare joke to the people who claim me to be their world?

I am tired of feeling like this,
I'm tired of listening to my tears.

I am tired of being the only one to wipe them,
And then I'm expected to smile,
When I am not even alive inside.
 
This sorrow continues to reappear,
Making me struggle to fight my fears.

It feels like I am living in despair,
My heart aches with words from others.

It feels like this life is vain. 
But ending it is still not enough. 

I am tired of being surrounded by toxic people. 

I am tired of this feeling which makes me care.

Those arguments, 
Those words, 
Works like a sharp spear.

Toxic relationships,  
Hypocrite people are all a part of my life.

I am just breathing.

In this fake world,
Full of lies and veneers.

Why do I have to try and battle all this defeat?
Why do I have to be the one always to believe?

Am I so easy to break? 
That it is so hard for me to be spared?

I fake a smile, 
To live this life.

My screams are never heard,
It seems like people never cared. 

I try to move on,
But I am still stuck here.

All I think about is why?

Does it have to be just me to suffer?

I only feel like I am living,
When hot blood rushes from my hand.

These cuts remind me that it's all real.

These scars are the attestation of my fears.

I never thought of being like this,
Never thought I would do this.

I trusted so much,
That now, 
I am scared of it.

It seems that everything I do is wrong.

But now I am done with all the begging, 
Tired of people's nagging. 

This suffering has to end,
Otherwise, I'm simply a zlich.

However, for this journey to begin, 
I have to move on from myself. 

The path is full of hurdles, 
Where people are waiting to throw mud at me.

I have to be strong.
 
Or I will be skin alive.

Let's get ready for this quest,
Cause still, a little bit of hope for me is left.

Making my way through my life. 

Reading through the unfinished chapters, 
Chapters filled with memories. 

A few are happy, 
A few sad, 
Some are excited, 
And some are depressed. 

But each phase has its impact. 
 
There were times I used to cry to sleep, 
It was a time when there was nothing to smile about. 
 
Then you entered my life, 
Revealing a light so bright that, 
It made me shine. 
 
But those glorious days didn’t last long. 

I thought trusting you was the right decision, 
Till it all turned out to be an illusion. 

You broke my trust, 
You made me hate to love. 

I believed in your lies, 
Showing my vulnerable side. 

I made my heart believe, 
That everything is perfectly fine. 

Out of nowhere, 
You stepped into my life. 
 
I saw it, 
As it started to shine. 

I gave you a piece of me, 
Which you didn’t even ask for. 


You spilt your fucking charm, 
Taking me over. 

Perhaps it was just a game of the mind. 

Which perfectly eats you alive. 

It felt so pure. 

Like a veil of hope, 
A hauntingly beautiful bond, 
That only prevails in delusion. 

I thought it was what I wanted. 

As I recall, 
You told me that we were complete. 

It was fate that brought us together. 

What we had was something divine. 

I fell for you, 
But then you left. 

Your absence made my life turn upside down. 

I cried for months, 
I thought I was wrong. 

I had injuries to my heart, 
Which never healed. 

This feeling of betrayal, 
A person should never feel. 

I used to sit on my bed every night. 

Wondering about the past, 
Where we used to smile. 

I was tired of dreaming, 
Through with all the trying. 

Your memories brought back tears. 

But then all those tears took a pause. 

When I saw you with someone else, 
You were keeping your word, 
Being happy, 
And a smile like before. 

My will didn’t stop you from leaving, 
Neither did my efforts. 

The false hope of your return was now gone too, 
Your exit made me strong. 

The blindfold of your love was now down, 
You taught me the biggest lessons of my life. 

Your absence made me realize, 
The importance of my life. 

Sometimes it takes a painful situation to make us change our ways. 

All this time I was praying for a miracle, 
A miracle that might have led us together. 

I sensed the worthlessness of the person in my prayers. 

Escaping from your glorious lies, 
Got me a step closer to living my life. 

Instead of changing your behaviour, 
You kept on deceiving me. 

Not a prediction, 
You were a clear manipulation. 

But now the cloak of your phoney feelings is removed. 

It changed my life for good. 

This chapter will always be the turning point of my life. 

Where I stopped begging for love, 
And started believing in my worth. 

Something about you availed me. 

That without your love I am completely free. 

Free from lies, 
Free from pain, 
Free from trying, 
Free from tears filled eyes. 

Without you, 
I can perfectly see. 

All the disgusting things, 
You ought to be. 

Alone in my room,
With wandering thoughts.

My hands went to the door to unlock it.

Showing me the way,
My feet were moving as I watched.

I found myself on the terrace.

Where stars were my happy place. 

As I lay on my back, 
I felt relaxed.

And gazed at that lonely sky.

The silence of the night, 
Made me smile.

But a thought strikes my mind: 
Arousing a feeling, 
Which was buried, 
For a long time. 

You were again clouding my mind.

I closed my eyes.

To let this feeling go.

In hopes of it being a mare thought. 

I tried to overcome this emotion. 

But the picture of you lying beside me, 
Came to my sight. 

I shifted my gaze.
 
From the sky,
Towards you,
Locking our eyes,
I smiled. 

Your eyes were searching for answers.
 
For every question and every mistake. 

The calmness of your eyes, 
Made me whole. 

As your touch, 
Lit the spark. 

The spark I thought was dead.

The hardest challenge,
The easiest option.
Made me wonder,
About its reaction.

I tried to fix my gaze.

Wore my beautiful outfit that day.

I was about to break a heart,
The same thing happened in the past.

But this time,
I was not the one with a broken heart.
I convinced myself about the scene, 
The scene I was about to make.

I made my way towards your group, 
I thought I would teach you your own game.
Unlike the past, 
I will not cry this time.

For once I considered making a change. 

I said hi and you said hey,
We exchanged greetings,
With a smile on our faces. 

I was fighting inside, 
To let this scene slide. 

I thought I was making a mistake, 
But when you said you did something bad.

Your next words broke me again.

You said it was a mistake, 
I was the reason it happened in the first place. 

I turned that frown,
Upside down. 
Closed my eyes, 
And calmed my nerves. 

I released that deep breath.

I was holding for a while. 

As I looked into your eyes, 
That's when I finally smiled. 

I thought I was being a bad person, 
But I realized that things happen for a reason. 

Now I know I was not wrong, 
You were the reason for my pain. 

I came to end that friendship, 
The friendship which was only for me to keep.

My decision was right. 

You were not the friend that made me smile. 

I ended things and made a turn,
It was like I had been relieved of a burden.
 
I felt free after a long time,
I don't seem to be in your cage any longer.

Regardless of what strikes my mind.

You are only a recollection to me, 
Which I forgot to remember, 
I now carry the laughter and tears I experienced with me. 

As I finally know,
The upside-down secret to turning a frown around.

They mistreated her,
Because of her body.
They called her fat, 
And ignored her heart.
They said, she was ugly,
Because she was not white.
Killing her old self was the only thing left,
But they wanted to take that away from her.
She was dying daily,
But no one saw that.
She kept on shouting her pain,
But no one heard her.
They killed her soul,
With their own words.
Now the only thing left,
Was the body with blood.
She was defeated,
She was cheated,
She was bullied,
By her own people.
And now when she is gone,
They miss her.
They say they have lost a precious one.
But the thing is,
She killed her old self,
Because of their words.
She used to be alone and scared,
In a world,
 Where her people abandoned her.
But at last she fought for her self,
She ended the misery,
By burying her old self.
                                                    
                                                   ~Aditi
 

Sometimes words are stuck in my mouth,
Want to shout but hardly speak loud.
The messy head is filled with thoughts,
The will to smile is lost.
All I want is to lie on my silly old bed,
Where happiness is buried deep inside my head.

The feeling is stuck where something feels off,
I think I don't belong to your world.
My efforts are wasted and nothing last long,
The smile I wanted just vanished and left me all alone.

I pretend with my all might,
That this happiness is real.
But I am surrounded by the world,
Where my smile can not be real.

I am not sure for what I am looking,
Not sure if I plan to spend another day here.
As of now I am tired,
Of this dreadful life I have been living.

But I can't loose the courage,
To light the fire inside my heart.
The lost hope shall not deprived,
As the love for life will arise.

This path of darkness,
Is starting of a tale.
The aisle is a mayhem,
But desire to live shall be more.

Now gazing stars and smiling,
Are part of my life.
With me dancing at every sunset,
And trying to live this lonely life.
  
                                                                         
                                                                                              ~Aditi


 

Let me tell you a tale,
Of a girl who didn't stop.
She climbed every mountain, 
Faced hurdles,
To reach the top.
Her youth was a dream and mission,
Accomplished by her vision,
And passion to achieve things.
The burning desire of recognition,
Drove her to take actions,
She had danced and faced every criticism.
But a fear had settled in her bones,
A fear of left alone.
That if she is not moving forward,
Then is captured in her own loneliness.
In time her vision got fuzzy,
So she looked back,
To all the things she had seen.
But found gaps, 
Inside the places, 
She had never fully been.
For she was tired of this loneliness,
And decided to break free from this realm.
This realm of negativity,
With judgy eyes of society.
So she took her last flight,
Expanded her wings,
To simply be a human being.
  

                                                   ~Aditi

 

I wish it rains today,
So the sky can cry.
It must have been hard up there,
Holding all alone.
As the rain droplets touch the earth,
The barn land comes alive.
It seems,
Ones sorrow became other's happiness.
For the tears from above,
Bloomed the flowers below.
A loud sigh,
Called thunder, 
Was heard from above,
Scaring the living below.
They mistook the scream of pain,
As warning.
And closed their windows,
Turned their backs,
And left you all alone.
The sky never complained,
For he was scared to be abandoned.
He took a deep breath,
As he tried to calm himself down.
He knew his old self was loved,
By the living.
The bright blue colour never left,
The chirping of birds, 
The laughter of kids,
And the roaring of animals were back again.
To shine brightly,
He suffered a set back.
Still he cries,
When the bearing is hard,
The loud sigh is still heard.
It's hard to smile,
When the pain is traumatic.
A few drops of tears soothes him,
He smiles again,
When he see the delightful view from above.
 
                                                           ~Aditi

 The mask we put on everyday to form a person we never meant to be. The complexion that tells us we are beautiful and strong, but for world it’s not enough. But then again, this world is not a serious place, as it might seems it starts everyday for a lot of people and end for a lot in the same way.

In the end you will realize that you and the rest of the world were exactly same. Tangled in problems, rotting in sorrows, struggling for breathing; they were all you and you were them. The only differences were the excuses to keep people apart.  Just like the sky who is all alone but still he stands still with a smile on his face.

 Everything that I have ever dreamed of disappears as soon as the night is over. The moon is taking its pace so quickly, as sun sets with a bright sunrise and the starry night changes into a shinning day. But my head is still filled with the thoughts, the dreams that will be changed into my present. The thinking is clouding my head with a slight headache but the thought of my future brings a soothing smile on my face.

So what should I do? I want to write my story with my own hands, with some adventure and passiveness in life, with fulfilling laughter and hard cries, with three a.m. talks and midnight walks, with starry nights and bright days, with loud music and silent cries. I want to enjoy this life. Every bit of it cause if not, then it will be vain to be born.

Just want another slit on the wrist,
Another scar to resist.
Sleepless nights with mind full of thoughts,
Wondering around,
But surroundings all quite with no lullaby.
Tears are falling,
Breathing being heavy.
This isn't fair,
But I'm too tired to fight.
My heart is aching,
Soul screaming inside.
I cry covering my mouth,
Suppressing my voice,
So none can hear a thing.
These thoughts are corrupting my mind,
Poisoning my blood,
Making it hard to breath.
It came again tonight,
My self-loathing.
Up my throat,
Ripping my heart.
A scream,
A silent scream.
'I am alone', 
Left my mouth.
With a blade in my hand,
As time passes,
The cut gets deeper.
Blood running down from my arm,
Leaving an angry mark.
Warmth of blood,
Soothes as it floods,
Worked as a charm.
It's three am,
I am in my bed,
The silence of night was interrupted by the thoughts.
Tears were dwelling,
But I refused to shed a single drop.
Shout that it's wrong,
Say I'm not strong.
But holding a blade,
Doesn't it prove that I am brave?
                                                           
                                                                                ~Aditi

I wrote this because the urge of holding a blade was back but I am glad I was able to write my feelings. Writing made it easy and I was able to breathe again. Some endings create new beginnings, the starting may not be easy and it may feel like you’re trapped in your own darkness but to shine brightly darkness is necessary.

In reality the night which seems dark, lonely, colourless and dead is actually more alive and richly coloured than a day. The tiny stars shine their fullest in the dark sky fearlessly to make it glow. If they can shine brightly then so can I and all those people who think that a minor set back is a full stop but in reality it’s a beginning of a new story.

So hold your pen and write a new chapter, that too an interesting one just like me, cause in the end it will all make sense…!!